


Confessions

by BucksomeBarnes (Freckled_Halos)



Series: the Assembled Avengers Initiative [8]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fighting, Husbands, M/M, Rating for Language, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 15:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15100019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freckled_Halos/pseuds/BucksomeBarnes
Summary: Steve and Bucky have loved each other for a very long time, but that doesn't mean the insecurities they suffered in their twenties ever truly disappeared...and maybe it's about time they talked through some of it.





	Confessions

Steve was standing at one of the sinks in their bathroom, a towel loosely tucked around his waist, his hair still damp. He was humming, squeezing toothpaste onto his toothbrush when Bucky walked in wearing jeans and a dark red flannel.

“Hey,” Bucky said, stepping into the water closet, not bothering to close the door.

“Hey,” Steve mumbled through minty froth. “How was dinner with Sam?”

“Fine,” Bucky answered over the sound of him relieving himself.  “We missed you though.” The toilet flushed and he walked back out, running his hands under the faucet of the sink next to Steve’s.

Steve sighed and spit into the sink. “Sometimes I really hate being a public figure. The appearances and press and bullshit…It was a lot easier to avoid when we were overseas.”

“I know,” Bucky replied, smiling and drying his hands. He turned, leaning his butt against the countertop. “But you’re so good at it.”

Steve scoffed and stuck his head under the faucet, rising his mouth out before replacing his toothbrush in the cup at the corner of his sink. “Yeah, well. That’s not exactly why I got into it in the first place.”

“No, but you’ve handled it well. You always have.” Bucky wandered closer, trailing his hands reverently up and down Steve’s chest and stomach. “And this part had nothing to do with it?”

Steve rolled his eyes, but smiled.

Bucky’s hands slid along Steve’s arms. “I remember the first time I saw you naked after you found me in Austria…” He let out a low sigh. “It wasn’t too long after that we finally got the chance to be alone.”

Steve remembered too, smiling sadly. “We should have waited. You were still under medical supervision. And I still didn’t quite understand my own strength…”

Shaking his head, Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist. “We had already waited long enough. I honestly didn’t think I was going to get out of that Hydra base alive. The feeling I got seeing you, all big and tough, coming to my rescue…part of me wanted to take you right there.”

That made Steve laugh lightly. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

Bucky grinned and pulled Steve close, kissing him slowly. “ _You_ were ridiculous. All of a sudden my little Steven was taller than me and stronger than me. It made me a little excited, but a little sad.”

“Why, ‘cause you couldn’t push me around anymore?” Steve teased.

Bucky’s face turned a touch more serious than Steve was expecting. “Because you didn’t look like the kid I fell in love with. It took me a little while to get used to you looking like this, like your face got put on someone else’s body. You were still the same inside, obviously, and no matter what you look like, I will always love you, but I missed your little knobby joints and tiny wrists. I missed not being able to hold you like I could before.”

Steve looked at him, searching in Bucky’s eyes. “You did?”

Bucky hesitated, his eyebrows scrunching up. “Of course I did.” When Steve didn’t respond right away, Bucky continued, “You were always handsome, Steve.”

He snorted, pulling out of Bucky’s grip and turning out of the bathroom. “Yeah, according to just you and my mother.”

Bucky followed, standing with crossed arms behind Steve who was at the dresser grabbing clean underwear from the top drawer.  

“Did anyone else matter?”

It was supposed to come out light-hearted, but the hurt in Bucky’s voice surprised both of them. Steve turned to face him, a hand resting on the towel at his waist. Bucky flushed slightly, but didn’t back down. Steve opened his mouth, then shut it, not knowing what to say.

Bucky broke their eye contact and wandered towards their closet, unbuttoning his flannel. “I was happy for you, doll. You weren’t sickly anymore, you were finally able to enlist after how many rejections? I knew you were where you wanted to be. But I’m not gonna sit here and pretend it didn’t make me a little miffed—all the attention you got afterwards.”

Steve was feeling increasingly wary, unsure of where the conversation was going. Stepping into his boxer briefs, he avoided eye contact and tried to deflect, unsuccessfully joking, “Because I was finally getting more attention than you? For once?”

Bucky’s face hardened as he watched Steve walk past him and into the bathroom to hang up the towel. “No,” he grumbled, angrily pulling his shirt off.  

Steve flipped off the bathroom lights and leaned in the doorway. “Buck—”

“It pissed me off because it was all bullshit.” The shirt was scrunched up in Bucky’s hand as he gesticulated towards Steve. “Peggy was different,” he added quietly before heatedly continuing. “But any other woman we came across, civilian or not, just fawned over your big arms and broad shoulders and nothing else.”

Steve looked cautiously at Bucky’s dark expression, trying to lighten the mood. “I was just kidding, Bucky.”

“No, think about it, Steve.” He wrung the shirt in his hands, bare arms tensing underneath his dark grey t-shirt. “Did any of them really try to get to know you? Truly? They didn’t like you because of your brain or your heart, it was your new body they all wanted.”

Steve put his arms out, frustrated. “Who are ‘they,’ Buck? You mean anyone who wasn’t _you_?”

Bucky cast an irritated look at Steve before ripping open the closet door and hurling his shirt into the hamper. “I’m not saying I’m anything special. I’m just saying that all of a sudden, people were all over you and your new big muscles and long legs.”

Crossing his own arms, Steve replied, “So what? Girls have been chasing after _you_ since we were twelve and you never seemed to have a problem with it. You never seemed to have any issue taking advantage of your good looks, dating a different girl every week—”

“Who didn’t mean anything to me,” Bucky interjected, “and you know that. It’s just…suddenly there were all these other people judging you based on how you looked and focusing on that as if there wasn’t anything attractive about you before.”

“Because there wasn’t!” Steve replied, a little too loud.

“Steve—”

“No. Stop.” He stepped towards his side of the bed and unclasped his watch, practically throwing it onto the nightstand. “You seem to be conveniently forgetting the constant rejection thrown in my face by all the ‘friends’ you introduced me to. I knew who I was and I learned to be fine with it. Once I got a little older, I didn’t care what anybody else thought anymore, but the attention I got as Captain America was a nice change. I’m not gonna lie and say it wasn’t. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t make me feel a little better about myself. But I’m not an idiot, Bucky, and I wasn’t naïve.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

“I met girls all over the country who wanted photos and autographs—” Bucky rolled his eyes impatiently. Steve pursed his lips and continued, “—and do you think I thought it was Steve Rogers they wanted to meet? Do you honestly think I didn’t _know_ that it was the serum and the caricature they all liked?”

Bucky moved to speak, but Steve cut him off, getting increasingly agitated. “You know how shitty that felt? To only be deemed interesting and valuable because of what you looked like? Especially when what you looked like wasn’t even you, but a fabricated science experimented version of you? So yeah, I welcomed the attention to a point, who wouldn’t? But I knew it was meaningless and superficial. So don’t stand here and fucking tell me that like I don’t already know.”

Taking a deep breath and undoing his jeans, Bucky grumbled, “ _I_ thought you were interesting and valuable before that.”

Steve tore the covers back, giving Bucky a scathing look. “You’re right, Bucky. Thank _God_ for you because otherwise, nobody else would ever be interested, right? You’re just pissed off and jealous that all of a sudden, you weren’t the only one who wanted me. All of a sudden, I wasn’t just _yours_ anymore.”

Bucky’s jaw clenched as he jabbed his hand in the air. “Jesus Christ, Steve, I never fucking said that. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Am I wrong?” Steve shot back.

There was a long pause, both of them looking harshly at each other.

“It scared me, alright?” Bucky finally fired out, stepping out of his pants and chucking them into the hamper too. “I was young and insecure, Steve. I mean, just look at you.” He held his arms out towards Steve’s mostly naked body, standing resolutely on the other side of the bed. “I was used to our relationship being a certain way and then all of a sudden it wasn’t.”

Steve sniffed and looked away, nodding his head. “So you freaked out when you weren’t the ‘hot one’ anymore? Because before that, righteous Bucky Barnes was the only one gracious enough to give pity party Rogers the time of day?”

Bucky balked at the comment, physically taking a step back. “Steve. No, that’s not…”

Steve’s glossy eyes slid to meet Bucky’s, whose shock was quickly turning into anger.

“ _I_ didn’t fucking understand it, Steve. I genuinely did not understand how so few other people saw what I saw in you. I still don’t. But it had nothing to do with you. Everyone else was the fucking problem. I don't know how many times I have to fucking say it. And, yeah, fine, it’s shitty and selfish of me to say this, but part of me was _glad_ no one else knew you like I know you. Because you were mine—only mine. I never knew how I got so goddamn lucky and as the years go by, I understand it all even _less_. So once every other asshole used the opportunity of your new body to be interested, I was afraid they’d all figure out what I already knew: how fucking incredible you are. How selfless and giving you are.” Bucky’s voice cracked. “How funny and talented you are. How you’re so committed to doing what’s _right_ , it doesn’t matter the odds, you’ll fucking do it. I know you’re your own person and I’m not saying I have any sort of claim over you, but…” Bucky took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “I was terrified, Steve. You were always better. Smarter, kinder, more deserving than I was. And once there were hordes of people finally seeing that too, I was afraid you were going to find someone better than me.”

Steve recoiled slightly, his face scrunching up. “Did you honestly think I was that shallow?” he asked, extremely hurt.

Bucky sighed and ran a hand down his face. “No, I knew you weren’t.”

“Then stop saying shit like that. And stop spewing all this bullshit about you not being ‘good enough’ for me. Did you honestly think I thought that? That I think that now?”

“No, I didn’t and I don’t, but I—” Bucky stopped, swallowing hard before whispering. “I couldn’t lose you, Steve. I just couldn’t.”

Steve rubbed at his nose with the back of his hand and closed his eyes for a few seconds, pressing the heels of his palms into them. Taking a deep breath, he removed his hands and reopened his eyes, looking intently at Bucky. “I never had eyes for anyone else, not really. And it breaks my heart that you didn’t know that. I obviously failed in showing you that…”

Bucky broke eye contact, staring at his feet instead. Steve stepped around the bed, approaching Bucky to place his hands on either side of his neck, rubbing his thumbs along Bucky’s cheeks and jaw, gently lifting his head up. 

“Was I jealous of you getting all the attention when we were teenagers? For a while. Was I glad to get that attention after the serum? Sure, at first. But none of it mattered because at the end of the day, it was always you and me. You loved me before all of it. And I loved you. I didn’t give a shit about how the USO girls looked at me when I knew how _you_ looked at me.” Steve’s face hardened slightly as he continued. “And I need you to know that. I’m sort of irritated I have to say this out loud, but I _need_ you to know that. I need you to understand that I was and am capable of making my own decisions and that I will always choose you. Because I love you. Not because I felt like I had no other options. Not because I’ve settled. Not because it’s convenient. Because I am so in love with you, it hurts. There could be an infinite number of people begging for me and I would always choose _you_.”

Bucky worked his jaw and looked at Steve with glassy eyes. “I didn’t…I didn’t mean to imply that you were blind to it all. Or that super soldier Steve was any better than normal Steve. Because I never thought that.”

“I knew how you felt about me before the war, Bucky, I never doubted that. I just never considered the possibility that—for any reason—you wouldn’t like how I looked after. Or that you thought I’d take that as an opportunity to…to find someone else. Just because I got a little confidence boost from people’s reactions doesn’t mean I ever— _ever_ —entertained the thought of leaving you.”

Bucky set his hands on Steve’s warm chest. “I’m sorry, dollface. It wasn’t you. It was never you. You didn’t do anything to make me feel like that, it was all just my own self-doubt and fear. I wasn’t in the best place mentally then and I can’t pin any of that on you. I was just scared.”  

Steve removed his hands from Bucky’s neck and wrapped them around Bucky’s hands sitting on his chest. “We’ve both grown and changed, Buck. Way more than any normal person should have to deal with.” Bucky gave a tired smile and Steve squeezed his hands tighter. “It’s complicated, but if there’s one thing that will _never_ change, it’s how I feel about you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about me, or you, or what I look like or what you think I ‘deserve.’ I’ve been in love with you for 85 years, Bucky. And I expect to be in love with you for all the rest. You have to trust me on that.”

Bucky knotted his eyebrows and closed his eyes. “I do. I trust you.”

“But I’m sorry too. You’re not responsible for any of my insecurities either.”

Bucky rested his forehead against Steve’s and let out a long sigh. “I’ve always wanted you, Steve, and no one else. Despite the girls I saw or what anyone else thought of you…I so badly wanted you all to myself.”

“You have me,” Steve breathed. “You’ve always had me.”

They gave each other a drawn out kiss, sweet and slow, sharing hot breaths and warm tongues.

Bucky pulled back, nestling his face into Steve’s neck, breathing him in. “I’m going to hop in the shower, okay?”

“Okay,” Steve whispered back. “I think I’m gonna stay up and read for a little while.”

Bucky nodded and backed up, stretching out his arms to grasp Steve’s hands as long as possible. Steve stood still until the bathroom door shut. He took a shaky breath in and out, running his hands down his face before circling the end of the bed to ease down onto his side. The bathroom fan turned on and the water started to run. Steve settled in, picking up his book from his side table and flipping to the dog-eared page.

Quietly, the door clicked open and Bucky stuck his head out, mumbling, “hey, Steve?”

Looking up, he replied with a hum.

“I love you, okay?”

“I love you too, Buck.”

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this escalated really quickly and then deflated really quickly. But I think it's still a complete thought and contained story.   
> I hate when they fight, but it's fun to write and explore, exposing some stuff to each other. It's all about growth my friends, individually and together. And they kiss and make up at the end, so it's all okay! :)


End file.
